I quietly turned 29 yesterday and there is a lot of reflection over the past year. So here is the most intense, well one of the most intense, changes I made in the last year.
When you look as young as I do, telling people I am divorced is visibly shocking to whoever you are talking to. People don’t know how to react and it makes my own stigma and embarrassment even more intense. Learning how to not be ashamed of this has been a process. I am glad we figured things out in our 20s and not one day in our 40s. I am glad I was strong enough to walk away. I am even glad that I was married and learned so much about relationships. We were young and grew away from each other it happens and I still care for my ex and wish him the best and am very happy for some of the great things he has achieved while we were apart.
So I am not letting the people around me shock me back into being ashamed. We all go through heartbreak and break ups and it is still tough and I never saw my life this different. Married, I held corporate jobs and had the family health insurance and took the brunt of the responsibility (a lot of my own doing) and decision-making. I liked to think I wore the pants, so to speak, in our marriage and that I was progressive and went against conventional gender roles. That was a good experience but a lot changed. We both lost our great luxury apartment in the split and I live like I am in my 20s on the Lower East Side, a great place to live with a great roommate but I never saw myself doing the roommate thing and not being in control. So here is another lesson in life and it has been all about learning compromise. Even though I feel I have stepped back it is just about re-calculating.
The hardest thing has been the isolation. So everyone has been through breakups but I hardly know married 20 something’s in the city to begin with, let alone DIVORCED! Only now do I find out that there are all sorts of blogs and help sites for us newly single chicks.
A lot goes through my mind. Does my family think I am a flake? I am the first divorced. I even joked around with a friend about sending out notices on nice stationary that there has been a split, kind of like the anti-engagement notice.
Dear family and Friends,
I, Jessica Huse would like to inform you of the separation / divorce of ______ (insert partner) and I. There will be no need for condolences although I have registered at Crate & Barrel for the items that where split or I need for my new living space.
Thanks all, please make the adjustments to your address books.
(Why Hallmark has not tapped into this market is a surprise).
So I think we should celebrate this new start and now I say I am divorced with confidence because I would not change it and letting go of that hurt is what has taken away my stigma. I also want to share it because I don’t want other women to feel they are the only ones going through this shit and crazy emotions. There are times when all is fare in love and war.
Please feel free to comment, share and also discuss on the page with the same title to the right.
June 13, 2007 at 3:19 pm |
I must give you props on the very optimistic attitude you have.
Cheers!
June 19, 2007 at 5:39 pm |
Thanks, the optimism does come and go. I feel lucky overall but I also have no kids and our finances were completely separate. SO the break was as clean as it gets and time has gone by. I do still cry when I see him and say goodbye and things are much easier now that I moved out of the apartment we shared. When you live in the same space, you always expect them to come through the door, I think no matter how much time. I have had many angry months and they just were not worth the pain. I just don’t want to look at it as wasted time b/c it is a time of growth I would not change.
September 16, 2007 at 4:29 pm |
Thanks for this!!!
I’m 23 and just split from my husband of 3 years and trying to find advice etc about being young and divorced is almost an imposible task!!
Thanks for the optimism.
September 17, 2007 at 1:21 pm |
Thanks for posting!
Trust me when I say that optimism comes with time. The good thing to come out of this is you are still so young and have so much ahead of you. Finding advice and people to share their story is hard (I have seen a few sites on cheating and they seem to dwell in the bad so I never spent time on them but I am sure there are some out there). I could not even talk to my family b/c they did not want to see their little girl hurt… which was NO help. I really wanted this blog to share my deep secrets and how I felt to help other women over things that are not shared openly. I wish I had looked more for support going through what felt like such a LONELY time.
You are so not alone. I have a good friend who just split from her husband and I see a lot of the same issues I faced and I am glad she has me to bounce things off b/c I am way ahead in the process but I do wish I had that too. Also, this post gets many hits everyday from people searching for young and divorced and like search words.
I hope more people post to help the other many people who read this everyday.
One of the best things in my life right now is a relationship with the most wonderful man I can imagine and it will be a year of us being together in October. I never wanted or looked for a relationship after the divorce but when this great person came into my life I could not pass it up. We live apart and have separate lives but when we are together I really feel like giving my all to him and am very unguarded. I worried that a relationship gone sour would make this difficult. Yet, we have a healthy solid relationship that makes me VERY happy.
I guess my point with that is, there was a problem in my marriage that would never be resolved and when I moved on a lot of great things happened for me (and him – grad school at an Ivy League Institution). My new relationship is so much healthier and has given me faith in starting fresh. Not to mention, without even looking for it. When I moved on I found a new and improved relationship.
Good luck with everything and if people have found other support groups online, please share.
January 13, 2008 at 5:39 pm |
I have been really worried that i will never fall in love….i tend to be really guarded and strong now that im divorced…Just all hope in men has gone and Its sooo hard to find people in the same boat!!!
I hope i can learn to move on and not feel this way, and is it just me or is it that when men find out your divorced they automatically assume that sex is on the table? No longer look at you like a prospective partner but as just a bit of fun!
Now wonder my guard is up!!! I have no idea….should i not tell people, should i tell them on the first date, later? This whole thing confuses me!
this is all soooo new to me and scary! i need all the adive i can get!
thank you sooo much for this!
January 14, 2008 at 3:55 pm |
I totally understand how hard it is to tell people that you are divorced, but please don’t be ashamed. Give yourself some well deserved credit for finding out young that you were not going to be be happy. That is HUGE. I know so many young women who stayed married or in relationships because they think they have to work it out b/c marriage is permanent. Then can even end up with children, making a split even more difficult.
If you are only 20 as your title says, you really have your whole life ahead of you. Our friends do it all the time but it is a relationship breakup and does not carry the stigma.
My bet is (and it is 100%) you will fall in love and maybe even more than once!!!! It is a great feeling to get out there and know that dating can be fun and not just a search for a new partner but a way to meet people and expand your social circle. I made the mistake of letting my ex-husband decide our friends and I had to work to build a new circle of friends and support. That made our split longer b/c I was breaking away and gaining my strength.
My guard was up too. I felt like I made it through a war and letting someone in was going to be way too hard. I don’t think you have to tell a date right away. If it comes up, sure go ahead and tell him w/o shame. A matter of fact that things don’t always work out. Remember, he has probably been through a rough breakup at some time in his life. But don’t wait too long b/c it is not a secret…. you had a breakup, like the rest of the world does, married or not. I made the choice to tell people b/c it is who I am, let them judge or not, if they judge, I don’t want them in my life. But I don’t think being divorced is a dirty word either.
The hardest thing about being young and divorced, I have found, is that I did not have friends who could relate or really support me so I kept a lot of it to myself. I leaned a lot on a friend (male) who was older but divorced at my same age (27 at the time…I am 29 now) and I saw him over it and always telling me not to judge myself. Talking to him made me feel more and more like I was on the right path and life will take its curves. But I never found a lot of divorced friends my age. They were either planning to get married, single or being self righteous about their own marriage and I also lost a lot a married friends. I was now the single threat to their marriage. Even my best friend from childhood , married, could not help comfort me in my new life. I wish I had searched the web looking for advice. I get the most views on this site about being young and divorced and I hope it does help. I really would not change things.
I know this is a long post but something I feel so strong about b/c I made myself so strong when I was in pain and alone and should have reached out. Now that I am approaching 30 and married friends are splitting and having problems they confide in me b/c I will not judge. They also apologize for not being there for me b/c it is harder than I made it look.
We are in a world where close to 50% of marriages end. I ended mine b/c I knew it was not right and I was watching a friend of my moms go through a divorce in her late 40s and she was and is bitter… I could not let that be me. So give yourself credit and don’t think this make sex on the table every time you go out with a new guy. You are in control and own it. How you present it will make all the difference.
I am in a great relationship now with a boyfriend that amazes me and I was never looking for it, just making my life plans as a single person. I was making my life what I wanted, going to school, back to dating and having fun. What I find inspiring is my boyfriends parents. They are both divorced and found the perfect person the second time around and are happily married couples. Happier than my folks who have been married my whole life. My boyfriend and I just moved in together and it is great, better the second time around.
You are not alone!!!! Breakups are breakups and when you are ready to let your guard down it will happen but no need to force anything. Just do everything for you right now and enjoy your autonomy and build a life for you that you love, you no longer have to consider this mate. The last time I saw my ex and we get together now when he is in town, I am relieved that my life is what it is and there are no more tears. I am just happy that we both moved on.
The hard part really is over and the adjustment is another phase.
Good luck and keep us posted!!!
Best wishes!
January 16, 2008 at 9:56 pm |
firstly i would like to say thank you, your amazing, its almost impossible to find advice on the web for this!
well i am going out on a date on friday, so wish me luck!!!
I am only 20 waiting for the divorce to come thro though, scottish laws make it much more difficult for divorce!
I will write u and tell u how things go! last buy i took a chance on ended up having a girlfriend, My general difficulty is finding a man i can trust, I have what is known as “daddy issues” never had a positive male figure in my life so I can’t really c who is good or bad!
I am sooo glad that u r happy in ur new relationship, new house is a big step!!!
I have decided to date casually but when it comes to a relationship I am not going to settle, I want a good man to love and who loves me! I still believe that love can be found! (took me a while to regain the belief tho!)
will update on how my date goes
..wish me luck!!!!
xxxxxx
January 24, 2008 at 3:30 pm |
i said i would update, so here goes…..
date went terrible!!! The guy was 21 with a life that jerry springer would be proud of!!! His mum was hash dealer, he was a coke dealer with 3 kids from 3 different mums!!!
He has been pretty much obsessive since our date and he scares me bit time!!!
Now im not one to judge but……well u know, I do feel thats a bit wrong!
where do i find these losers!!! I think i have attract 3 types of men, psycho’s, gays and men with other women…..
awww well, plenty of fish in the sea!!!
xxxx
February 6, 2008 at 6:48 pm |
That does sound like a dud!!!!! The good thing about dating dating is you learn what you don’t want as well as what you want.
I hope you don’t get discouraged. There are good guys out there.
My best advice for dating (I steal this from my boyfriend who has a business that teaches men how to date and socialize… it applies to women to) is to expand your social circle. It works. Be active and do things that you enjoy and can meet people who like the same things. For me that would be yoga, classes, music events and politics. Then get involved!! when you create the life around you that you enjoy, not only are you happy but then you attract like minded people and there are lots of guys around to be friends or date. Have dinner parties, invite lots of friends and have events where friends bring friends. I don’t think most people find love in a bar or club.
There are a lot of fish in the sea and they all seem to come out at the same time:)
Hope he is not being obsessive anymore, looks like you should cut off all contact – I am judging:)
Hope all else is well!!!!!!!!
March 16, 2008 at 11:58 pm |
I have just stumbled upon this website and imm. started to cry as I read Jessica’s blog. This is my life exactly. I love the Hallmark card, but I mostly love reading that I am not the only one out there who is a strong, beautiful, dynamic YOUNG woman who finds herself not only divorcing at 28 but divorcing a man that I will always care about and have decided to forgive.
The two hardest things about this entire process have been the stigma of divorcing and the lack of proper support from friends and family.
I have a lot of strong roots in my community and everyone knows that I was married. They are always asking about my husband and it’s almost like Im hurting them more than me when I say I am divorcing. I work with kids and I have decided to keep my wedding ring on for the rest of the school year so that they don’t have to know I am divorcing. I just don’t want them to see yet another adult in their lives divorced and frankly, I don’t really know how to explain it to some people yet. And you;re so right! Lots of people my age were already a little weirded out that I was married but to have been married and divorced by the sweet age of 28 is truly outside the realm of their realities. They don’t know how to treat me, what to say. And one of my biggest fears is how to explain this to a future suitor. What does that say about me? Is it a big red flag because goodness knows that a divorced man would be a red flag for me (maybe not as much now of course!).
It has also been really hard to get the support I am looking for from those closest to me. My husband (ex, still waiting for final stuff) didn’t want to be married anymore. We worked on it, did everything we could, but in the end, it wasn’t what he needed or could do anymore. It has been a year and a half process, of pain, anger, depression, confusion, and slowly, forgivness and healing. About four months ago, before we had filed papers, I decided, after reading the book Eat, Pray, Love (highly recommended!!) I made the concsious decision to forgive my husband for wanting a divorce and to make this as easy for both of us as possible. I knew that was the only way I could begin true healing. My family and friends though have not been as easy to let go. They are filled with negativity and it makes it so hard sometimes. I know that the anger and bitterness directed at him will only destroy me and make it that much harder to move on. And they just don;t understand that it really does feel so much better to be sad than to be angry, to look back at the last 3 years and remember the good, learn from the bad, and treasure all of the time than to regret or ofrget it all. Therapy (couples and individual) helped me get this point along with my perseverance and strength. But it feels good to read here that I am not crazy and that my friends and family are just going through their own grieving for my marriage.
Anyway, thank you and I did have a question, how long did you wait to date? All of these websites say to wait a year until after the divorce is finalized but I think that that is a bit silly for a 28 year old with no kids, a healthy social life, and an ex husband living in another country. I know working on yourself is key but I have been doing that for a long time. I just think a year and a few months from now seems like a long time away!
Any advice would be great but mostly, thank you for just writing all of this here!
March 24, 2008 at 4:36 pm |
I am so glad that sharing my experience has been a help!!!! I get the most response to this post but being young and divorced is a personal thing that has this stigma that we all seem to share the experiences that go along with this event.
First, forgiveness is the best thing you can do for YOURSELF. I always say that relationships end and that is universal and I have friends that have been through break-ups that have been devastating but people treat marriage so much different. Even my older friends in their 40s 50s anything even have a reaction to hearing I was married. Then they are supportive – maybe it is my own issue and maybe I just seem open and adjusted and so that it is a surprise that I am not jaded. Another thing about being young is I think it is easy to still believe that there is another – better life out there for you.
What I do hear the most is the lack of support from family and friends. My family still can’t talk about it:) They wanted to help but were not there and did not want to talk about it… of course I told them we were separated after the fact b/c I wanted no outside influence while we tried to work it out. Friends – forget it, very few would talk about it with me and only wanted to hear about my new single in the city life and some of my married friends I think were threatened for all sorts of reasons. I also think they are grieving for you but don’t know how to be there ion fear of saying the wrong thing or just not knowing how to be there. I had one person to help me through it and it was so interesting that it was a male family friend who I have and always will adore who is in his late 30s and went through a divorce at the same age and would always talk to me about all the (what I thought) were silly or weird questions. SO that is a great thing about finding people online that can tell it like it is… I just did not even think about it. If you find that one person… it is awesome or you find people, like me, who will put it all out there.
you … “It has been a year and a half process, of pain, anger, depression, confusion, and slowly, forgiveness and healing.” – sounds right b/c we do most of this alone but better now!!!!! I just always think what my life would be like if I was still married and I can’t imagine!!!!
Also, for me, I suffered and went through a lot of the pain and emotional separation while we were still together b/c it was coming. But when it happens, nothing prepares you for what you will feel day to day.
I think taking ownership of it and not caring what people think – when you are ready to just tell people matter of fact and the less of your reaction and emotion, the less theirs. Of course sometimes it is awkward but who cares. I understand waiting until the school year ends to take off the ring but but I hope you take it off out of school b/c it is weird but that is an emotional part of it too – for a long time you physically feel the reminder. My hands still feel bare but liberated.
As far as dating…. it was weird b/c I felt like I was doing something wrong – WHICH I WAS NOT. Plus, I too had suffered a good year and a half. It is hard to say… Once we were not living together and it was totally over, I put myself out there (about that grieving time). Dating is FUN and it had been a long time of grieving and not having fun. I needed to go out and know I was still desirable and not an old maid (silly but my own stigma was weird – divorce does mess with your head) I did decide I was going to have an affair just to see what is was like to be with another person. SO I have no answer on what is the right time frame… but I don’t believe that there is an answer like wait a year. DO what makes you feel good and comfortable. You are right, it is SILLY that people say to wait 1 year when you are young and vibrant- should be having fun with other friends and dating – you have dealt with this long enough!!!! I think there is a double standard and people are not saying this to men (they get “get right out there” not “wait a year”) Final papers and such mean nothing – why put limits on yourself??????? Go have a good time. The only thing my parents said that supported me was not to care what other people thought b/c I was so private and then had a boyfriend but it was more time than it looked.
I knew my current boyfriend for a long time and when I was still married and we hung out a lot after my separation. It did not dawn on us that we could “date” – but he was the best guy I knew and all of a sudden it felt totally right. So I believe when it is meant to be it works and you practice the rest of the time. I even set limits on myself about… I can’t get in a relationship for a long time and need to go through .. a…b..c. But here was this great guy and how could I let him go.
So best of luck to you and please post more with anything. The most people searching for young and divorced and this is the most read everyday.
My question to anyone reading – is this a good blog topic of its own????
It means a lot to me that sharing my experience is help to anyone, so thank you.
Best!
Jessie
April 2, 2008 at 4:12 pm |
Hi : )
I’m 23, have been separated since January and we are filing the papers this week.
Thanks so much for posting this blog, it is not only helpful to read your story, but also to have read all the other stories in the comments. People of all ages and backgrounds going through the same thing.
It’s hard to feel as though you have this big black mark on you that will never go away. Like someone else said I would be weary of someone who had a broken engagement or marriage.. but I suppose I am going to have to rethink that now. I was already getting shocked looks at 21 when people realized I was married, so I can only imagine the kind of looks I am going to get now.
I do feel lucky however, that I have a very supportive family. My parents divorced about 10 years ago and are both very happily remarried. My stepdad had a marriage that ended in his early 20’s and my mom had a broken engagement at 23, so this is not even a generational flakiness thing.. it was happening to my parents when they were young.
I have a lot of anger towards my ex because I feel that he never gave me or our marriage the respect that it deserved. He refused to even try counseling. Although I could see the marriage not working before he ever said anything, it still felt like I was being given up on. I was at least willing to give us time to work on things but didn’t know how to bring it up first. However, I am glad that we are going through this now and that any more time spent together would be delaying the inevitable. I am very glad we don’t have any kids and that our money is pretty much separate. I feel as though I am a normal 23 year old breaking up with a long time boyfriend and that the marriage part is just something that makes it that much harder. That I am the girl that went ahead and married the boyfriend before realizing it wasn’t going to work like most of my friends did. On top of that, aside from the anger I still love my ex and don’t want to lose the amazing friendship we had that was poisoned by us not being right for each other as a couple. It’s really confusing.
Well, thanks again for posting the blog and best wishes for your relationship and future!
: )
April 3, 2008 at 5:05 pm |
Thank YOU for also sharing your story. You made so many great points that I think we all feel.
In some ways, I too felt like a break up with a long term boyfriend… just like everyone else has gone through but the word “divorce” makes it embarrassing. People are surprised I am (was) married in the first place.. looking and being young but to also be divorced. But it is not a black mark even if it feels like it to you.
You… “I have a lot of anger towards my ex because I feel that he never gave me or our marriage the respect that it deserved. He refused to even try counseling.”
So, it is a gift that you were able to step away from that b/c I have seen too many bitter older women who really stuck in there thinking it would change and usually it does not. Anger is GREAT. Better to be angry than isolating and depressed.
I have been thinking about the last post too about when to date and how long to move on… I am no expert, but talking about these things and putting it all out there – I think as soon as you want to make more friends and feel YOUNG again… do it… we are all still young and need to get out of putting the scarlet letter on ourselves. In my own experience, I know exactly what I DON’T want in a relationship and that makes it all easier in a way.
As far as friends go… of course you miss the friendship and company and partnership and that takes time. You hate and love and miss at the same time and I would get confused about the ‘good times’ and that was I missing that and giving up too soon but really I knew in my gut that we were not right for each other. I was right too. I did need time to step away totally from him to figure out who I was w/o him, who the new single me was and I could even talk to him during that (I guess about a year). Now I do consider him a friend (good friend) and it is like we shared so much we are family but now in a kind of sibling way. But we could have never gotten there if we did not sever all ties for a while and start new lives so that we talk about old times with no confusion. But depending on the circumstance, it is different for everyone.
Anyway, thank you for contributing – this little blog is more about the divorce than anything else and that is great… I had no idea. I am so glad. I am just trying to think of a way to do more.
good luck and warmest wishes!!!
May 10, 2008 at 3:45 am |
I am so glad I found this. I got married at 25 to someone I’d been dating for nearly 6 years, divorced by 26 because living with him made me realize how badly he treated me, and to add insult to injury, my family and close friends are all Roman Catholic Republicans (!!!) So all that internalized stigma and embarrassment? Well, for me it was very externalized as well. Imagine telling your family that you’re going through something as horrible as divorce and hearing any (I heard all) of the following:
“If you aren’t getting the $#% beaten out of you, how bad could it possibly be?”
“A woman has no right to leave her husband.”
“You’re the first disgrace to our family.”
“Are you sure you should be receiving Communion?”
“He just wanted a family, and you’re denying him that by leaving.”
“You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.”
Add to that a lack, as you said Jessie, of friends who have been through the experience… or even people who tolerate divorced women… and let me say, I’m glad I’ve found all of you!
It’s been almost 2 years since the split, and just in case I sounded really hopeless back there, I’m living proof that us young, divorced and fabulous ladies can come out on top afterall. I found a new man who I’ve been dating for a year, and I make sure that I bring him around to all the family and friend gatherings that I can – the more they see him, the less they’ll remember that there ever was someone else! As for those who said the above horrible comments, they’ve been replaced by friends who are tolerant – don’t be afraid to kick someone out of your life if they don’t support your choices. If they don’t like divorce, they are free to not have one. Since the marriage was so short, I still get people asking about the ex b/c they think we’re still together, but I just make sure to quickly introduce them to my guy, and they get the hint. Above all, the abuse we take from intolerant people for being young and divorced is more than worth the satisfaction of being free from marriages that weren’t right for us!
May 10, 2008 at 9:02 pm |
Thank you for also sharing. It means so much to me that women post here with what feels like a secret. We all feel pressure from family (not ALL), lack of support from friends and it is so weird!!! I get the family scarlet letter for being the “first”. I was never expected to do anything but I still can’t talk about it.
But it is awesome that you have found a relationship and I am guessing it is SO much better after getting some room and having so much self reflection before 30 when many are still figuring out life. I love that you bring the new guy around to all the family functions too! By actions they will see you made it through… without their support.
As an odd side note – although not a single person in my extended family (aka those who attended my wedding) called or lent any support they still “talk” about it… not to me. I was at a family reunion and walked in on my aunt and others talking about the bets they all made about how long it would work. I laugh now but it felt so HIGH SCHOOL. I told them I had dealt with it and moved on and they should too.
I think it is a good point to bring up though about the lack of friend support and having to look elsewhere. I did a lot of “breaking up” with friends at the same time which makes things harder.
Congrats on a healthy relationship and being a strong fabulous woman.
I can’t stress how much it means to me that people share here and that SO many people read this. I am going to have to come up with more content.
Here are some questions that I get asked in life that I still don’t know always know how to field.
– - Do you think you will get married again… have a wedding???? me… “my parents already had their dream wedding” sarcastic but shuts people up.
More to come.
Have a great weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Huge hugs,
Jess
May 23, 2008 at 12:28 am |
Love these posts!
I am 28 and seperated.
I know that I have felt all of the emotions that everyone has shared here.
It was reassuring to read the part that you wrote about severing ties. This is what I have done right now. It is so necessary to be able to start a new life. However, I already know that I will forgive my soon to be ex someday for what we have gone through….And I know that I will be forgiving him for myself so that I can let go of the negative emotions I have towards him.
I agree with the stigma of being young and divorced. I find it hard and awkward to tell people. Although I am starting to realize that some of the stigma that I am feeling is perhaps just in my imagination and people are much more understanding that I expect.
I’ve been working on making connections with more people, since I feel alone in a city filled with couples and/or single people who actually know how to be single (I’ve been with this guy since 19 – so this will all be very new to me).
Planning on finalizing the divorce over the summer. Looking forward to starting this new chapter…scared as well.
Thanks again for a place to share and know that others are feeling the same way,
Amanda
May 30, 2008 at 5:53 pm |
Amanda, Thanks for being another voice in this thread…
I think I too that a lot of the stigma can be self imposed but I also think it is how I deliver it. If I am confidant and don’t make a big thing out of it, others can’t either. I guess I have found it is up to me to take the power in that.
I was 19 when I was with my ex too. Life takes on a whole new beat and meeting people is different but empowering and making connections comes. For me, it was making myself be involved and go out even when I wanted to just stay in. There are great ways to meet people and it was easier for me when it got to be “all about me.”
I also think if something isn’t “scary” – it is not worth it.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” Eleanor Roosevelt
I don’t do something scary everyday:) But it sure as hell has been a collection of scary experiences and big steps and personal growth.
Enjoy this new chapter!
More people feel this way than I even thought… it is a top google search and I think something that needs more attention.
Thanks again!
Jess
May 30, 2008 at 8:44 pm |
Hi All,
I got married at 19, and am now 23. I have a 14 month old who was planned. I really wanted a child and so did my husband. Unfortunately, if I ask him to help with anything related to our son he acts like it is a huge favor. I am really depressed and sad, I am trying so hard to be a good wife and mother. I don’t want to be divorced, especially since we were so happy before our son was born. I don’t know how to get my husband to accept the responsibility of fatherhood. It seems that I will be making a very hard decision to separate and leave the state to live with my parents this weekend. I am truly heartbroken.
May 31, 2008 at 1:37 pm |
Just a word from the otherside.
Reading this makes me a little depressed about going through a divorce being a guy thats 26 (almost 27). We have a kid who just turned one. We didn’t plan to have one this early in our marriage just one of those oops moments that resulted in something great. We both tried to keep our marriage together but she wasn’t wanting to stay in something that she saw as a future problem. I’m concerned that we will be making a mistake not trying a little harder because we have a kid but then again her choice is to leave and not try anymore. Nothing was wrong but nothing was over the top with our marriage. We spent time with each other but that got harder once we had a kid. She wanted to go out and have fun but we couldn’t find the time because we were caring for a child. We’ve been together for 7 years and are great friends but she just sees it holding her back. I love her and I’m pretty sure she still loves me but just doesn’t see our marriage working out for us. Like I said before this is very depressing because of the kid but I guess somewhat relieving that I’m not the only one going through this.
June 1, 2008 at 4:59 am |
I am really thankful for everyone sharing and now the dynamic of children and I so appreciate a male perspective. No one wins in a divorce no matter what the situation or gender.
Thank you so much for this.
I think that not just those of us sharing and reading here are aware of the idea that relationships are TOUGH. We are all brought together here by separation and divorce (noting that separation does not always lead to divorce) but there are so many other couples of all kinds having issues and splitting.
I don’t have children and I can’t imagine how that changes a relationship but can see why. My brother and his girlfriend had twins today and they are 25, I have no doubt that it will change their relationship… not suggesting for the worse but it adds more of an element (s) in their case) to being in your 20s and that is not easy, I have SO much respect for that. I personally found my 20s to be a bit tough but I did not make an easy path.
J- I can imagine you are heartbroken. I don’t think you have to say you are
“trying” b/c it sounds to me like you ARE a good wife and mother!!! You are taking space when it hurts to see what is best. That is thinking of your family and troubled times does not always mean divorce.
I think the difference of children in a relationship changes things and couples. I also believe that there are steps before the “D” word – couple therapy, trial separation… I read an article this week that a friend wrote about her separate parenting that is awesome and I will find and put up tomorrow.
Leading us to our male voice in the picture, with a great one year old! I thought most of the times it is oops but then you have a gift and that is one thing you will always have. I also can just guess that your wife still loves you without a doubt. That is always the crazy thing… things can go south but you still love the person.
Agreed – it is a sad and depressing thing but there are so many people who have been there are there now or will be.
Being that I don’t have children, I am going to post that article about going through relationship problems while having a child – great read for women and men. I just wanted to write back before I could do all that because I was very moved.
You have all been so therapeutic for me. I never thought I would get so much from posting this… which was a scary thing!
Thank you!
June 5, 2008 at 8:30 pm |
Really interesting that I’ve found this site!! I’m 27 and recently divorced (Feb. 08). I was married for 6 years. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and have really learned to find “myself.” Fortunately my ex and I get along very well and are able and willing to spend time together with our 3 yr old daughter. Many many hours have been spent thinking about letting go of the “dream” that I had about what marriage is and should be. Getting past the idea of not having this “dream” of what I wanted my family to be like was ABSOLUTELY the hardest thing I’ve had to face. I really had to step back and look at the here and now and realize that the “dream” doesn’t matter at all if you aren’t living happily day to day. When I look at my life now, I feel EMPOWERED like I haven’t felt in years!! I ended up staying with the house and was forced to go back to work full time after spending a few years with my daughter at home. I’ll tell you- working full time is wonderful! I enjoy going to work every morning. It feels wonderful that I am “that single working mother” that someone pictures in their mind. I am living that life that I was always so judgemental about and I LOVE it! I have begun taking care of my body, exercising, eating well, working hard, organizing my finances (which, believe me, were horrible), and taking care of the child and the house. It’s wonderful.
And- to make things even better, I have, now, so much more free time to go out, date, and do things for myself due to the fact that my daughter is with her father now more than she ever was before.
I think women really need to focus hard on the moment, be confident in their descision to be a divorced woman, and live from it. Feel the empowerment! What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’ll be back to this site soon…
Thanks!
June 6, 2008 at 3:13 pm |
That is great to hear and so helpful for many people who end up here. Being “empowered” is the very best thing I could hear. I think it is just hard to give up the “dream” but also the gender roles and marriage dynamics are changing. I am learning a lot about that through opening up this post. Having time to think about yourself and still feel like your daughter is getting what she needs and it helps having an understanding ex that pulls his/her share. It sounds to me like it is better that your daughter get to have a strong, confident and fulfilled mother to look up to. Families are what we make them and sometimes the so called “unconventional” works!!!!
Which leads to the article I promised on single parenting and offers so much more than I can. Unfortunately, it is one of the articles you have to subscribe to, but I am going to see if I can find it… if you can pick it up – I really recommend it…
Jennifer Baumgardner reflects on how she and her ex created a most untraditional family
Featured in March 2008
issue of Real Simple
Life Lessons, p. 79
June 24, 2008 at 1:22 am |
Hey!!!
update from me again! lol…I am now 21 and my divorce has now been finalized!!
yayyyyy!!! hehe, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders!
I really struggled getting over the whole experience! Also being single was sooo new!!!
well I am now a seasoned pro at dating ppl! I have had plenty of chances to find a new relationship but i chose not to….Reason not being that i needed to get over my ex (that was the easy part for me) but that i dnt want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one!!!
:):)
I feel sooo blessed and thank god everyday for my amazing and beautiful life!
Just want to let all you bloggers know out there that there is life after divorce and it is GOOOOD and EXCITING! I know i was lucky not being stuck to my ex with a child and i know i was lucky to have amazing friends but i also know how difficult it can be living with the stigma and being left with financial troubles!
God, it has been an amazing year! I was thinking about writing a book about life after divorce at a young age(the title needs some work
) I was wondering if anyone had some anecdotes that they wanted to share about funny dates or crazy ex’s etc etc…..
im not much of a writer but i enjoy it….Just being more productive
also I just wanted to say thank you Jessica! How have you been anyway?? what’s new in your world???
xxxxx
July 1, 2008 at 12:52 am |
Wow, this blog is just so helpful to read. I am at the painful stage where I need to begin to bring up separation with my husband. I’ve been internally debating this for a year now (I just wanted to be 100% sure). And after a year, I still feel the same and want to separate and divorce.
Now that I’ve begun to prepare myself for talking to him about my decision this website is just such a great resource. Especially because a huge fear of mine is telling my parents and friends. I feel really embarrassed about it.
Thanks, I will surely be back often…
B27
July 8, 2008 at 1:32 am |
Good stuff on here, Jess.
As you know, I can totally relate.
Being young and divorced sucks. Being young, divorced, and then finding out you were depressed throughout your entire marriage also sucks. But hey, I’m still smilin’.
And for the other folks on here who are going through their own ordeal — keep the faith. I’ve been to hell and back. Trust me, it does get better.
Take care,
K
July 8, 2008 at 5:50 pm |
I am so glad this has become a resource and I want to do more (one is ask the ex to write his experience… little tricky but what an insight.)
B27 – thanks for your post. It is so complicated and I have seen that most young people have have a problem with their families and just support in general, whether family or friends. In my experience, after time, my family and friends just ignore it. I don’t think that is healthy but at least I am not faced with it. Then I can express myself here and know that it has helped people and we need to create more resources.
K – thanks for the note.
*** note – K is a male so that may help some people who are put off by my strong feminist approach. Also, we are friends and one of the few people I have met in life to experience this.
– Dealing with depression is tough and most of us here have, even if situational, b/c of the divorce. K really approaches depression head on and I love the open honesty.
I am going to post an update b/c I turned 30!!! SO I still know divorced in your 20s b/c people still look at me odd. I do look young but it does not matter. Right now I am fighting my college to use my maiden name on my diploma b/c it means SO much to me and I am still working the legalities of it.
So… I am planing an update and here are my questions?
Since google has this blog as #1 – should I make a whole new blog with focus only on this topic, forums and discussions and resources???
Personal question (as I am dealing with right now), if you are a woman and changed your name, how has that affected you and still affecting you and do you plan to change back to your maiden name?
You all have helped me through a tough time so continue posting replies to help others!!!! Community is powerful.
peace,
Jess
July 17, 2008 at 2:33 am |
Just want to write a quick post
This blog has been such an incredible lift for me, i have been separated for 1.5 months and i know it was the right thing – i deserve better but letting go of the security of him has been hard
I appreciate all the comments about dating, i truly do not want to wait years as I know the one is out there and sitting at home being sad about the end of my marriage will not get me anywhere
My marriage was over for a long time but I held on so tightly that the day I let go was more of a relief then anything – sure there are days where i’m sad but I usually try to put on a happy face for everyone else who do not understand – i know 50% of my friends will be there is 5-10 years but right now my dog understands the most!
My focus right now is to forgive him, forgive myself for waiting so long and make myself happy
So thank you for all the posts and especially to Jessica for starting this – i can’t believe i found so much inspiration from typing “young” and “divorce” into google on a whim
Donna
July 19, 2008 at 2:06 am |
I really feel like an angel led me to this blog. THANK YOU, GOD! I am 29 and am very early separated. It’s been about 1 year I have been seriously considering divorce and 1 month ago, I decided to let my husband know I was done. I cannot tell you how hard that was. We had the worst year ever (both teachers, going to school each day after big fights and tears) and it was time to end it. We have only been married 3 years, but in that time, we completely dissolved as a couple. He is absolutely devastated and for this, I feel terrible…But I just knew I could not spend the rest of my life unhappy. Every single day that passed me by made me realize that we get ONE CHANCE on this earth to live our lives to the fullest. I am young, healthy, bright, hopefully attractive and spunky girl- and none of it was showing through the last year of my marriage. We literally, due to so many different things, just fell apart.
because I don’t want to go looking for it…
It was such a hard decision to make for so many reason…stimga, letting my family down, being afraid of making a huge mistake…being a teacher and having to answer to everyone when 1) I took my ring off and 2) when I’ll eventually have a new last name….So many things…But I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I think the biggest thing, as Jessica has so eloquently put it- people are shocked when you tell them…as though you’re hurting them more than you’re hurting…They’re so sad for you…which makes me so sad…I felt like such a failure, a quitter, weak, flaky, shady and well, the way that I had seen divorcees in my own mind…Now that I am here- I guess I couldn’t have been more wrong…I am so thankful (as Jessica also said) that I was able to see that this was not working and that I had the strength to walk away before I was forty with 2 kids, wondering where the hell the past 10 years had gone…I look at people who have done it and applaud them for wanting more for themselves.
It had to end for so many reasons…There was absolutely no intimacy in the last year of our marriage, no laughing, no real friendship…I begged and pleaded with my husband to try and help us change that…trying everything on my own…the load was just too heavy to carry on my own. Try initiating sex with someone who rejects you for 2 years. It’s really, really hard. And- I have to say, I am not unattractive! Not to be shallow, but my friends are DUMBFOUNDED that he wouldn’t jump at the chance. There was no affair on his part- just so focused on other things, never saw the need for closeness…BUT- Now that I have ended it, he’s trying to do all of the things that I have always wanted him to do…which totally and utterly confuses me…Well, we ended up sleeping together recently- TWICE. Bad idea…I am not only totally emotionally attached again, but am very confused…and have no idea where my strong “I will be ok again!” feeling has gone to…Now I feel clingy, needy and ready to be with him again…HOWEVER- I know that things can’t be changed in a month- after being so horrible for 2 years…and I think I may know better to think that things won’t go back to the way they were…People are who they are…and that doesn’t change. The sex was more like make up sex, spontaneous sex, sex that sort of isn’t supposed to be happening and therefore, much more passionate than “normal” sex. But it was also something that we were missing for so long…I can’t help but feel like we “fixed” all of our problems with a few romps in the bed! But something tells me we definitely haven’t and I should have stuck to my original gut feeling and kept moving forward with my decision…It’s just when you’ve been telling someone exactly what you need for a long time and they finally give it to you…you get excited…But I am assuming that most people would think it’s too late…I am mad, sad and am in love with him all at the same time…but think I need to move forward on my own…I think it’s too broken at this point…
I love Jessica’s stories of her new relationship! YAY! That excites me so much…I have often wondered- when is too soon? OBVIOUSLY one month after is DEFINITELY too soon…but you’re right…when you feel like you can, is when it’s right. I don’t feel like I can at all at this point, but am excited for that time…At this point I feel deflated, kind of hopeless, uninterested, sad and absolutely exhausted. Don’t worry though, I know it’s temporary. You can’t go under it, you can’t go over it- you just have to go THROUGH it….Which is what I am doing. I am just so damn impatient and want things to be FUN again…
Did any of you ever feel like you were in a race against time? I am 29 and almost all of my friends are married and have kids or are pregnant…and when I do the timeline in my head, it’s like I am putting all this pressure on myself to hurry up, find a man, get married, have a baby, so that I can be back on the “normal” timeline again…I know, I know…crazy…But it’s how I feel…I don’t really know how successfully shake this feeling….I guess I just have to realize when the time is right, I will have all of this again…I am one of those girls that had it planned when I was 17 that I would be married by 25 and have 2 kids ( a boy first and then a girl) by the time I was 30. I guess when life throws you a curve ball, it’s hard to adjust! It’s not that I think the past 3 years were a waste, as I learned a tremendous amount about myself…I guess I just wonder where life will take me now. Does anyone have those moments where you think- Will I ever meet anyone? Will I be alone forever? Will I ever have kids? Will I just end up settling? Did I make a mistake? Should I have just stayed with him because it fit the timeline? What did I DO???? Ugh….Sometimes it’s just so overwhelming…
A little while ago I sat down in tears with the principal of the school I teach at, because during a staff meeting I burst into tears for no reason (well, I knew the reason) leaving everyone to think I was a lunatic or highly pre-menstural! She wisked me off to her office (because she’s amazing and supportive) to ask me what was wrong and I simply said “I can’t be married anymore”. She took my hand and said “Then don’t be”. She then went on to tell me that she married at 26 (like me) was married for 3 years (like me) and grew completely apart from her husband (like me). She said that something else that makes so much sense to me. She said-”Very few women should get married before they’re 30″. I absolutely agree. I am a completely different person than I was 3 years ago…Now I know exactly who I am and what I want…The next relationship phase will be so different than it was because I will handle myself completely differently. Anyway, she made so much sense to me and because she was so supportive, it gave me a lot more confidence to move forward the way that I did…She is now remarried and happier than she ever could have imagined…
I am not really sure where to go from here…I wish I had a crystal ball…I am a planner and not being able to plan my feelings really bugs me! I guess it’s a learning process…
I love my ex…a lot…I just don’t think he’ll ever be able to give me what I want…Is there a guy out there who will? When will I meet him? What’s he doing right this second? Does he know I need to laugh a lot? Does he know I think sex should happen 3-5 days a week? Will he enjoy my guilty pleasure of reality television? Will he think I have cute quirks? All I want is to be love- wholly and completely for everything that I am…I never want to change or alter myself like I did for this marriage- ever again…I also want the new guy to just fall in my lap (not literally…actually, that’s not a bad idea!
I am not overly religious, more spiritual- but there’s a prayer that has gotten me through the rough days and I am reminded of it as I type this entirely too-long post-
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference….
PHEW! Thanks, Jessica- for creating this blog…I feel like I just had a major vent session…I literally feel lighter…
xoxo
July 19, 2008 at 2:07 am |
Just before I go- I just read your last opinion question, Jessica-
I plan on going back to my maiden name for sure. I feel like if I kept his name- I keep a part of the relationship with me at all times, in an “ownership” kind of way…
I want myself back- entirely- name and everything.
July 21, 2008 at 4:38 am |
Wow – I am really am blown away at the response I get from all the great people who read and share their stories.
Donna, the security is a tough thing to let go of but not just “him” but I think any security for me… job I hate or friends, family, change. The change is hard and divorce is one of the top traumas a person can go through. The pets HELP… my kitties were the security I could cling to.
“so much inspiration from typing “young” and “divorce” into google on a whim”
I am so glad you did. I can’t believe I am the top post on the page!!!!! Shows there is not enough but I looking to make a whole site.
Thank you for your stories and V.A.
“PHEW! Thanks, Jessica- for creating this blog…I feel like I just had a major vent session…I literally feel lighter…”
That is why I even starting blogging personally. I wanted to use this as a place for work and I found I had too much going on and just wanted to tell these stories b/c it has all been a journey.
I am putting together a real site for blogs, stories, questions and resources. My ex is even going to write some of his perspective and I will encourage him to tell our story with all honesty. I also want other women that have been inspiration for me… of course there will be a big questions area and I would love any suggestions or please send me your email address so I can make a list to alert you to the new site @ jessiesweb@live.com
Good luck.
July 26, 2008 at 11:07 pm |
hi,
I filed for divorce from my husband of less than a year last month. In fact, our 1 year anniversary was the 21st of july – just a few days ago. I spent the day at a friend’s lake house and didn’t think about him at all as i floated on the calm water…
real quickly – HA! i will tell you my story.
We married after a 6 year long relationship. we were good friends and it evolved into a relationship. we were young when we met and incredibly naive. we changed alot as individuals as i went off to graduate school and brought him with me. He worked as a dentist at a neighborhood clinic while i went to school. Only a few months after our wedding our relationship began to crumble. my mother came to visit and made him promise to get a counselor, but he didn’t. I simply waited for him to set it up, since he had insurance for it… may be a big mistake. Christmas break was horrible and i had to work the entire time there… i also realized how he never came to me with his problems (went to his mom and sister) and didnt’ tell me until i had to pull it out of him, or he’d blow up in anger or frustration.
We eventually went to counseling (in may) where i eventually learned (caught him) cheating on me… he says it was no more than a kiss, but he talked to this girl ( married also with 3 kids and his dental assistant) constantly ( 800+ texts and over 100 calls on my cell phone acct.). It was totally an affair and when i confronted him about him and asked him to stop talking to her he continued for another week and a half. all the time while we were in counseling!!! needless to say i felt completely betrayed. I told him i wanted to continue counseling and i’d try to forgive him, the only problem being that i should have recognized his emotional distance and the fact that he did not once plead for my forgiveness!!! i think this showed how cold he had become and that he just didn’t care what i did. in a sense i feel he wanted to counsel me into divorce and stay his friend because if his work found out they might fire him for sexual harrasment…
i also discovered while in counseling that he had an apartment… and had transferred funds, and some of his stuff with out me knowing.
Well, we got into a huge fight one morning after i had complained about his lack of affection with me, and i thru a bike lock at him… didn’t try to hit him, just was sick of him running out the door every time i needed him to stay and work something out…wanted his attention… big mistake on my part, i know… but sometimes you get pushed soooooo far… oh, and before that he has been violent, giving me a nasty bruise on my arm…
so, still i was willing to try and work thru problems… he has suffered from depression for a long time and i have constantly said to him that he is the only one that can truly make himself happy… same for everyone!!!
needless to say, i loved him and wanted to help – but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help or can’t even admit to themselves that they have a problem.
So, I filed for divorce after asking him straight out if he wanted to work on things, and after hearing ‘no’, walked out, changed the locks, dropped his phone, and moved.
I am not going to waste my time for this idiot any longer.
now i have to cope with the loss of what was once a respected friend and husband and deal with putting my life back together for me. The thing that hurts on top of the obvious emotional stress and loss is that i saw so much potential in him, and it makes me sad to think that he might not get the help he needs or realize where happiness comes from. and even though he was such a jerk, i miss his company at times, and wish he could have appreciated and loved me.
alot of it doesn’t make sense… i am young, a talented musician and artist, smart, pretty, outgoing, and am going to one of the best PhD programs in the country this fall… why would he break us up for a married woman who didn’t even have her GED and that he could get fired for?
any how… another thanks for this page. It is great to know that there are others out there.
August 3, 2008 at 7:31 pm |
Very nice!!
August 20, 2008 at 4:03 pm |
This is just great. Didn’t know such a site existed. Stumbled upon it. Am 28 and divorcing. Dated first boyfriend for 6years, married him for one year. Couldnt take the abuse anymore, packed out and left with our 6 month old daughter. Met him at 18, married at 24, left him at 25. I would never have married him had i not suddenly found myself pregnant. He insisted we must be a family to raise her to be ‘decent’, ‘respectable’. Am now 28, a lawyer, and my daughter is 4 years. I am not ashamed to be almost divorced. No, Because I know EXACTLY what I have been through at the hands of that man. So no, i dont give squat what anyone thinks, I am a better person for myself and my daughter.
And no, I don’t miss him at all, not at all, what’s there to miss? The insults? the threats of violence? The actual violence? The mind games? What? I’m now with a faboulous man he absolutely disliked. My very best friend. My ex practically hated my best friend. Well, we’re together now, it should have been him from day one. But I look at it this way, all that I went through is so worth it because I have an ANGEL for a daughter. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. No that girl is my heartbeat. So if i had to endure this madness just to have her, then its all good. All very good.
All you ladies, please stay strong. Stigma, my dears would you rather loose your sanity? Visit female mental hospitals. Look I was very active in a local church, very active, people knew me, no thought they knew me, many envied me but they had NO idea what I was going through at that young age. NO idea. But on 1st January 2005, I said to myself ENOUGH. ENOUGH. The world can go hang, am leaving this man. Guess what, i had no money then cos I had spent all my money trying to get us our new home. I had no savings as I was also on maternity leave. But I still left, no money but with peace in my soul. I have not looked back since. Coupla months ago came to me blabbing about how me still loved me, said to him no you DO NOT LOVE ME as a human being, you love the services i render.
Please be strong ladies, be strong. Take care of yourselves.
August 23, 2008 at 5:14 pm |
Always impressed with the folks that find this here little blog and can share. I have noticed a trend that is important to point out. All the women I talk to and that post are strong chicks with a strong idea of where their lives should be heading. I think the fact that you can end a marriage at a young age shows integrity and career paths and wanting better for their children.
Awesome story Bebe, thank you for yet another sucess story. I would just like to add an opinion on one thing mentioned;
“All you ladies, please stay strong. Stigma, my dears would you rather loose your sanity? Visit female mental hospitals.”
I see a lot of strength here and sharing certain insecurities is normal and this is a safe place to do so. All experiences are different and we come from different locations and families and stigma, I think goes away, but is a valid feeling, even if it is only expressed here. I don’t think any warrants mental hospitals:)
I am sure that was a call to strength and not taken well on my part. You have a great success story and I hear you about the no money to start your new life. I too was willing to give it all up for better days, I have no doubt that your beautiful little girl will benefit greatly from your strength and willingness to do anything to give her a better life and you will both come out on top!
Congrats.
September 4, 2008 at 9:47 pm |
Hello all,
Reading these posts has been an enlightening experience! It’s the first time EVER that I have felt there are people out there who really “get” what is like to be young and in a separation/divorce situation. I am now separated from my husband of 4 years (no children) and desperately trying to figure out how to make the “right” decision about whether to stay or go. . . Does anyone have any advice or perhaps can share their own experience on how they finally came to a decision? Was it a certain thought? Some kind of enlightening experience? A choice of logic or gut instinct?
September 7, 2008 at 3:47 am |
This was the first time I thought to see if there was anything out there about getting divorced at a young age and am so glad that I had the opportunity to read all of your experiences – some of which were so familiar to mine, it brought me to tears. I’m 25 and just filed divorce papers a few weeks ago. My husband and I have been separated for 5 months, after a two and a half year marriage and a six and a half year relationship before that. (So we’ve been together over nine years, since I was 16).
Thankfully my family and friends have been supportive, but I certainly don’t know anyone who has gotten divorced so young and it’s nice to hear I’m not the only one. I know that a lot of the stigma that I feel, I have put on myself and am working on letting go of that, but it’s a hard thing to do. Back in one of the posts someone talked about giving up the dream they had for their marriage. That’s been the single hardest thing for me to get over. We had plans to get married long before we actually did and my whole life plan revolved around him. So I still have trouble letting go of the dream I had for my life – where I thought I would be right now, versus where I actually am.
We went to couples counseling for about a year and a half before deciding to do a ‘trial’ separation. We even went back to the counselor after separating to continue to figure things out, but in reality, I was the only one doing any work. We both love each other, but he gave up on the relationship a long time ago and just couldn’t admit it or put it into words.
I think my biggest challenge right now is trying to build a life for myself. My whole life revolved around my husband, which was my doing – I lost myself in the relationship – and now I have this huge, empty abyss of a future with no plans or dreams or anything in it. I have a couple of friends, but need to work on building my social circle. And the thought of dating is terrifying. Simply put, I have never been a single adult. I have no idea how to do that. If anyone has any advice on how to start out as a single adult at 25, I’d love to hear it!
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know how much of your stories were familiar to me and how comforting it is to know that I am not the only one going through this particular life event at this age.
September 16, 2008 at 9:04 am |
Wow,
I’ve been struggling with my divorce and online periodically trying to find a resource. All of the advice I found seemed to talk about life after divorce with kids and middle age dating. I wanted to know what kind of reaction I was going to get with “Hi I’m 27, was married for four years to my best friend and am now divorced.”
In my head all I see is some guy running for the hills. Oh and I ended up here thanks to an affair – so there is a stigma. Do all of these statistics and warnings about explaining the “situation” to a date apply here?
I mean, I want to think at this age I can kindly say “I was married really young and when the two of us grew up it was over.” Without having to worry about appearing as baggage – Why do so many sites and resources try to tell me how to reveal my baggage?
I don’t have baggage, I have experience from my marriage like when I finished my masters, bought a house, etc etc – what baggage? Doesn’t everyone from a long term relationship have the same baggage? Wouldn’t most people have a long term relationship under their belt by my age?
I thank you all for sharing insight in starting over in our twenties. I have so many fears from the unknown that has replaced what I long thought was my future. For example, I have for years thought I knew what my kids would look like with his brown hair and curls, now its more of a question of will there even be kids? All in all its me and the abyss. Thank you for shedding some light on the abyss.
October 21, 2008 at 3:59 pm |
It’s so great to hear everyone’s stories. I’m 24, working full time, in college, and separating. I too wore the pants so to speak – I worked, kept the house, managed the finances, etc. So while I feel prepared to go at it on my own it’s not without obstacles and uncomfortable surprises for a young independant woman. It’s hard, frightening, embarassing and exciting at once. We’ve been together for over 7 years. My whole adult life I have been a ‘we’. And it’s true – most support groups, self help books, even kind friends are middle age, have children and going through nastier divorces than my own. It’s refreshing to see young women trying to make sense of the Big D, starting new lives, and coming away wiser rather than bitter. Good luck to all!
November 6, 2008 at 6:18 pm |
Hello!
I posted in July about starting the process of bringing up separation with my husband. Since then we’ve separated (all in all it’s been very amicable), moved out, and filed for divorce. We’ve both also been dating. Which is what brings me to my question for all of you:
How soon after your separation or divorce did you find you were ready to date (and I am not talking about a rebound)? When were you ready to have a meaningful intimate and emotional relationship again?
I’ve seeing someone who is just wonderful and I am worried it’s just a rebound. It doesn’t feel like it is, but would I know?
November 13, 2008 at 8:02 am |
Hi,
I googled young and divorce also and am so thankful to find this site. My husband of just over two years just told me he wanted a divorce. He is not interested in counseling, and wants to make everything as simple and easy as possible (luckily no kids). I am so so sad, and hugely embarrassed to be 22 and on my way to divorce after just two years.
I saw you said earlier in the page you were going to be working on a new site.. is it up? I would love to belong to a community for people like me.
Thank you all for sharing your stories, they help give us strength in so many ways.
November 25, 2008 at 4:03 am |
I am having a really difficult time. I have been with my husband since I was 16… dated for 4 years and have been married two. One year into our marriage he had an affair and moved out on me, and we were separated for 6 months. There was so much lying involved that I didn’t even know he was moving in with someone else until it already happened and he called and confessed and begged me to take him back. He ended the affair… after backsliding twice over a period of two months, and promised me that it was just depression, fear and confusion and that our relationship needed serious work, but that he loved me more than anything and wants to make this up to me for the rest of our lives, and that he knows now for sure that he doesn’t want anyone else.
The problem is that during our separation I truly realized how bad our relationship had been for so long and that we got married for the wrong reasons. We just based all our plans on each other right from the beginning… our families and friends never even questioned it, everyone just assumed we would be together forever. Looking back on it, it was so naive of me because I saw the problems we had, and still have and chose to hope it would change as we got older. I also always thought “it could be worse” and made excuses constantly for why lying and kind of being controlling was okay or my fault. I was hoping for an amicable divorce and that we could remain friends, and it started out that way until he decided he wanted me back after the initial backsliding with the other woman and refused to sign my divorce papers.
I caved in, still having a lot of feelings for him and not wanting to let go of our shared dreams. However, I still think about how free I felt during our separation, despite being upset over the split. I felt so much more like myself than I had in years. I couldn’t believe I had gotten married so young and I felt like a weight was being lifted off my shoulders, aside from the feelings of loss
. But now I am back in the same boat and I feel trapped. I know that he does love me and is very sorry but I still don’t completely trust him even though I think he has the best intentions. I am terrified of hurting him. I am also terrified of life as a single 25 year old and of what my family will think of me after we said “we are giving it another shot” not to mention the fact that most of my family still doesn’t know about the first separation.
I love him very dearly, it’s impossible not to, I’ve known him since I was 15 and we have had so many good times together, but as a couple we have always fought and had trouble. The affair was the first physical one, but there have been several problems in the past with him having “online affairs”… going as far as phone calls, texting all the time, romantic emails, sending gifts… and there has been so much lying about everything, not just other women. Money, friendships and lots of things. He says he is not that person anymore but I don’t think years of all of that and then learning from one mistake can really heal all the wounds. I know people overcome huge obstacles and that people can grow up and change, but I have also thought before that he did put all of that behind him and been proven wrong. I always make excuses for him.
I sometimes wonder if it happens because he has always been looking for someone else, that the connection between us has always been lacking in the romance department and that deep attachment and friendship is what keeps us together, along with being terrified of being alone!
I am just so afraid of starting that whole process over is going to be like and how I am going to have to deal with being the one to hurt him. He really has been great to me since we got back together, he tries so hard to make changes, but I still feel like even though the affair was wrong and that I learned from some of my mistakes as well… that some of the reasons for us getting divorced were valid. But most of all, I don’t want to hurt and lose someone I care so much for, even if the feelings are no longer romantic. Sometimes I feel like I will never find love again and that I may as well stick around because I at least know what to expect and that there is still love between us and because we have always been there for each other, aside from the few months he was with the other girl and was too afraid to face me, and he came back for me.
However, reading this blog does give me some hope that maybe it is possible to have an amicable divorce and move on to be happy afterwords. I just don’t know where to get started now that I made such a big backslide, or how to know if I am doing the right thing. I don’t want to be a statistic. : (
Take care, everyone.
November 26, 2008 at 6:33 pm |
I too googled “young and divorced.” I am 25 and waiting for my divorce to go through. (It’s taken over a year at this point.) Just the few posts on here have been helpful. Thank you to everyone that posted — it certainly helps me feel less alone.
December 11, 2008 at 3:22 am |
Hi,
Ive only been married a year and 2 months!!!! My husband and I havent quite got the “D”word out yet but its coming. I feel embarrassed and cant believe I will be 27 and divorced!!
Thanks for sharing your stories!! I do find peace in knowing Im not the only one.
March 6, 2009 at 5:15 pm |
I don’t fall into the 20s category anymore but I’m 32 and thinking A LOT about getting divorced. It has the same stigma, I think. It’s no easier to make the decision, maybe even harder because I’m starting to feel like I have more to lose? I don’t know. As everyone has expressed, I am thrilled to find this site and excited that people have been keeping this thread going so long.
My biggest problem right now is that I’m having a hard time thinking about how one goes about breaking up with someone after being together so many years. We’ve been together 8 years (married for 3)! Before that, my longest relationship was a year so it’s hard to imagine separating from someone you have spent the majority of your adult life with. Also, as others have brought up, how do you know you’re not making a HUGE mistake and will regret it later.
There are a lot of things wrong with our marraige and I won’t go into detail, mostly because I don’t have the energy to type it all out right now. And I really feel I’m at the end of my rope. I’m terrified and also excited by the thought of moving out. Not sure how to do this financially, but I’m told it’s possible. I’m also really hung up on the fact that this would really be hard for our dog. She’s getting older (9) and is really very attached to the both of us. It sounds so silly but she would be upset by it. I know that’s not a reason not to leave but…
We were in the middle of starting fertility treatments and so I feel like I’m at this moment in my life where I have to make the decision: cut and run before we have kids and this gets even more complicated, or stay and make a commitment to work on the relationship, and risk starting a family and hope that we don’t just fall apart later inevitably.
I guess you can’t know everything in advance. I guess you just have to make a decision based on the information you have and not second-guess yourself too much.
I feel like I’m not living the life I deserve and I want to make that happen for myself. I also think therapy might not be an option (we have discussed it) because it seems I have one foot out the door and I’m just waiting for someone’s permission to do this…Ack!
My shining consolation, besides reading all these posts, is that I have a couple of friends that divorced young and have completely re-made their lives into something amazing. One is remarried with their second child on the way. The other is enjoying being in a new relationship and is happy to let the wind take her where it may. I look to these people as examples of what could be for me.
April 26, 2009 at 7:09 am |
Hi. I am so thankful I have found this site full of women who are in such a similar position as I am. I would really like to be a part of this group, but I noticed there aren’t any entries after November of 2008. So, if there is a website or any other information that someone could share, I would really appreciate it! I want to thank all of you who have been so honest in some of the most difficult time in ones life. I could definitely use some support and advice…so I hopeI can figure out where everyone has gone. Thanks you.
May 24, 2009 at 4:52 pm |
I am so sad that I have not been keeping up with this site. I am now headed into my 31st birthday and there is a lot to update. I have moved a bit and had a “boyfriend” breakup, found great friends, done a ton of amazing and exciting things and just recently moved (last week) into a perm. address with an office. So excited and every time I read these entries, I am so thankful to have shared and have people share with me.
You are all amazing and strong and the strength I find in all your stories is something that helps keep me in check and helps in the breakup I went through in the past year. Also, the breakup was easier. Not because we had a contract, but I knew I had no desire to prolong something that I knew was not making me happy. Also, he proposed and I threw up…. not a good sign (I say that as a joke… even though true, I have an odd sense of humor). I acted faster and am not looking back. I am not sad and only relieved. I met a better person and both of us in our 30s have been through a lot and know that we could never “settle” again. I feel so very lucky for that and so lucky he and I have both seen and felt the pain of a breakup that lasted too long.
There is a lot to address in these posts and a way to make “young and divorced” more of a resource. 30 and divorced is still odd and gives people a double take. I still think what is going on through their heads and just don’t care.
I started working a lot with photography, modeling (a fun experience), and am working on getting my skydiving license this summer. I jumped out of a plane 3 times already! I am having fun. Life is fun and it is hard to learn but a gift to no longer compromise for the sake of another, family, religion, guilt and all the other things that go on.
I am off to brunch on a beautiful day, arranging my new apartment and looking forward to updating life.
Thank you all again and I hope all are well.
You all rock!
Jess
May 26, 2009 at 9:44 pm |
Hey, just came across your site and as everyone has said above, its fab. I am 27 and soon to be divorced.
Was with my (nearly ex) husband since I was 16 and him 17. We married in 2006, and 6 months later he told me he had made a mistake and didnt love me. To say my world fell apart would be an understatement. I went through so many different emotions-devastation, embarassment (he had called me his soul mate in his groom’s speech in front of 100 of our closest friends and family just a few months prior to this bomb), depression, disappointment… We stayed together for another year, trying to make things work, but it wasnt salvageable.
We have now been seperated just over a year and you know what? I am SO happy, probably the happiest I have ever been. I have risen from the depths of despair to loving my new life and seeing each new day as a challenge. I have done things I would never have dreamt of before (I did a sky dive and next week am travelling to Thailand by myself for a touring holiday). Nothing fazes me any more. In the end, I was the one who filed for divorce. In fact, I think i have moved on more than my ex. I also have a new guy in my life. Its only early days and who knows where the future will take me, but I am so very very happy with him.
I’m not sure if any of the above posters will agree, but I now see that a lot of ‘high school’ romances that last have issues. People change so much yet probably stay together because it is familiar, and they have built their lives around each other. Our relationship never ‘matured’ (if that doesnt sound too crazy?!)
Anyway, hope this helps anyone going through a similar experience
Lea
June 9, 2009 at 3:04 pm |
Lea,
Thank you for all the inspiration and sharing a good experience. I too was happiest I had been also when all was decided and I felt free. I was comfortable with myself and love to read this from you.
Have an awesome time in Thailand. That is my dream vaca too and going alone sounds exhilarating!!!
Thanks you and have fun.
Jess
June 9, 2009 at 12:55 am |
Thank you. This reading the first post of this blog very helpful after dealing with several young 20-30 somethings at an MBA program who are dating, engaged, just married, and don’t have a clue. You can have a bad breakup, but until you walk down that aisle, you really don’t know the pain of walking away. Furthermore, when your closest friends have also not lived through it, it’s hard to talk about it and not feel judged. When your Mom is still bitter about her own first marriage, it is difficult to relate to family.
The most painful part was a year ago first pretending like nothing was wrong when you first meet people because of the shame that you have a ring on your finger at such a young age knowing eventually you have to admit you made such a HUGE mistake and wasted 3 years of your partners life in a relationship that ended up no where.
I was living in denial for an entire year not willing to see myself as 27 and divorced, but as “young and carefree” which I realize now are days of my very 20’s I will never EVER get back, so I should quit trying to be someone I am not. It’s only now I’ve come to fully accept it and trying to move on on my own and to hell with everyone else who doesn’t understand.
June 9, 2009 at 3:11 pm |
This was huge for me…
“Furthermore, when your closest friends have also not lived through it, it’s hard to talk about it and not feel judged.”
I know I mention it a lot but friends don’t usually know or couple friends no longer want to be your friend after you become the “single” one.
I got involved in things, went back to school and made better friends. I was never “young and carefree” b/c I was supporting a marriage at a young age. I can tell you I hit my 30s young and carefree. This is my best year ever!!!!!!!!!! It only gets better and I can’t believe how well I have dealt with all the crap in my life.
I never felt that no one understood and still don’t but getting out of my own hell was exhilarating.
Good luck, sounds like you have a lot more figured out and realized that you are not giving yourself credit for
Best,
Jess
July 8, 2009 at 7:46 pm |
Hello,
I read almost all of these posts, and even though I am a guy I wanted to respond.
I am a couple months away from turning 29, and have been divorced now for a little over a year. I was in the same boat as a lot of you. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t want to be a statistic, I didn’t want to accept that something this major in my life was failing, I didn’t want to deal with the negativity and judgement that I thought would be coming from my friends and family.
Divorce as you all know is a painful thing. My wife and I had just grown apart from what originally brought us together. We met in college and got married just a few months after we graduated. Looking back, for the both of us that was just too young. In essence, neither one of us had fully developed into the individuals that we would become. Sadly, the individuals we became grew apart from each other. Things like compromise, communication, passion, support got lost. Thankfully, there were no kids, and we were able to end on the best terms possible considering what a divorce is.
I commend all of you for recognizing the situations that you were in and for having the courage and strength to make a step in empowering yourselves and making yourselves happy. Hopefully, that will enable your former partners to make steps to make themselves happier too.
I don’t look at it so much from the viewpoint as a failure anymore. The pain has subsided. I look at it now as a learning experience, and a very important one. Since we all have gone through it at a young age we can be thankful that we have been through this for our relationships going forward. We now know what it takes to make a relationship work by seeing our marriages fail. We can see the importance of compatibility, communication, support, passion, compromise, and happiness.
However, it is hard to tell people our age that we are divorced. I know it is for me. I am slowly getting to the point where I don’t dread that conversation if it comes up with someone I am dating. If it is something that they can’t handle and it unnerves them…then they are likely not someone I’m going to be compatible with on other levels as well. Remember that when that comes up in future conversations with people you date. I am thankful that although I live in the South, I am in a pretty progressive mountain city and there are a lot of open-minded people.
This whole journey has taught me to be open-minded about the paths of others. Not everyone has a path in love or marriage that is smooth sailing. It doesn’t mean they are failures, or don’t know how to pick the right guy or girl. They are just on their own path to finding that someone that will make them happy.
One last thing…and this is hard. Try not to let this experience put up a shield around you to where you don’t want to let people in. It’s very easy to become super independent (and independence is very important), but remember life is a cool thing full of experiences that I find best to be shared. So take a chance, open your heart up after you have had time to heal and take stock of where you are. Yes, you might get hurt again, or you might find true happiness. In the end, it is your life, its yours to live, and you’re only going to get it once.
I hope that all of you find comfort, support, and happiness. Be strong!
Josh
July 9, 2009 at 2:10 pm |
Well.. I’m 19 and newly divorced.. I feel like damaged goods. It’s crazy the looks I get from people and I’m so cynical I don’t even try to date.. does it ever get better?