“Manic: A Memoir”, a great read!

“Manic: A Memoir” By Terri Cheney

(best read to make me take a break from school)

I am amazed how many people read about my divorce everyday. I guess there are not many resources out there so I am glad my own rambling has helped some people know that divorce is just another stigma that society has bestowed.

On the topic of societal stigmas, I have mentioned that I suffer from bipolar disorder. I don’t like saying I AM bipolar, I have it – just like people have diabetes. But the stigma from that is huge; often embarrassing and most people who know me don’t even understand it or how it affects my life. It is hard to put to words and I have spent my life trying to hide it and for the most part that has worked. A lot of people think I am totally together and don’t see me with an illness. It has been many years of therapy and a regiment of medications and a therapist and doctor that saved my life. But it still exists and I am struggling with it right now as I post this. I try to share it with people as a way to bring awareness as well as help myself through it. Although, it is very difficult to share and I always hear people not knowing anything about me making comments about people with “real” mental issues. Sometimes I wish I was more courageous.

I just finished a memoir that touched me greatly and I am so thankful that the author wrote it, in a way that breaks your heart and still gives hope. The courage and brilliance of this woman is an inspiration for me to keep strong and NOT ashamed. For me, it make all the little things that go on in my head seem normal… well, normal given the circumstance. Terri Cheney captures the difficulties many of us face everyday while still being overachievers and artists. She is able to give words to issues that I find difficult to express myself but she takes you on a journey that is so honest and touching that I could not put the book down.

“Manic: A Memoir”

By Terri Cheney

I have to recommend this book with all my heart. The book speaks to me on a personal level but I think it raises an awareness that is so important as more of you know someone with this “dangerous gift” than you think. I wish Terri the best of luck with this book and she is just another fabulous woman to support in her wonderful first work!

— click on book image for further info and buying info —-

OR http://www.terricheney.com/index.html

More to come as school breaks are needed… summer events in the city and spotlight on great concerts and fun.

Home Sweet Home Off the BQE – Bye to the Lower East Side

Wow, what a semester. I moved again. I am finally home and for the first time in a long time can breathe. I love Brooklyn and I am glad to be back and have a real home that is mine. I realize now how tough things have been and what compromises I have made trying to convince myself that I was happy. But it was tough and a change and I love the LES but I need my own place at 29 I am just not as able to be so transient. It was great for a transition time but I was ready to move on. So I moved in with my boyfriend this month and it is really what I have always wanted and never even known. I thought I had to live by myself for such a long time and join the Peace Corp and find myself but I am here. I am so in love I could not let this slip through.

I have really not kept up with this blog but I now that the semester is over, I feel like I have to be working on something, even if I should be shopping. The holidays are stressful because I find it hard to put a price tag on my love for people with gifts and there is so much to do after living schoolwork for the last few weeks. I am not religious but like the ides of being with loved ones without distractions.

School is hard and I don’t know how I did it without a calm work environment and I did have a major depression but it is clearing and all is well. My workspace is great now… I am writing right now with the sun streaming in from the bedroom loft windows with the cats swarming around my feet. I can see the BQE out the front loft windows and I love it. I would be able to see the statue of liberty if Brooklyn stopped this building!!!!!!!!! There is a 9 floor building in my way. I don’t want the Slope and the rest of Brooklyn to keep this over development. There is a great organization in regards to this, DEVELOP – DON’T DESTROY BROOKLYN … http://www.dddb.net/php/latestnews_Linked.php?id=108 – one the artists I support, Toshi Reagon is on the Board and I think it is a great org. Brooklyn is not supposed to be Manhattan.

Too much to update in one post, so I wrap up with what I miss about the LES –
- Blue Stocking – Best feminist bookstore I know and great events from poetry reading to book signings to live music… check it out! http://www.bluestockings.com/
- Panade – Stay away from Starbucks and get a great coffee and homemade pastries at a local favorite on Eldridge between Delancey and Broome. Great owner, fun atmosphere and supprt local business. http://www.timeout.com/newyork/restaurants/lower-east-side/3012/panade
- Teany – My favorite vegan treats and tea.
- Baby Cakes –healthy vegan treats and local business. http://www.babycakesnyc.com/index.html
- Toys in Babeland – Hey… gotta love your local feminist sex shop. http://www.babeland.com/about/new-york-lower-east-side-store
- Divalicious Chocolate – local chick business with a great chocolate fountain. http://www.divaliciouschocolate.com/
- Not to mention all the great music venues… Bowery Ballroom, Mercury Lounge, Cake Shop, Crash Mansion, knitting Factory, The Living Room and many more! Great place to see live music any night.

But I will take my new apartment in Brooklyn with the boy and the cats any day!

Depression, Serious Depression and Its Stigma!

Well, I am back from France, which was a great time and experience. Now back to the real world and in the swing of school. It feels good to be back in a schedule and am transitioning back into a day person.

I did feel like writing about the recent attention that depression is getting in the media and pop culture with the suicide attempt of celebrity Owen Wilson. I am a huge fan of his from Bottle Rocket to the Royal Tenenbaums (I don’t think I spelled that right), which even dealt with depression in a dark comedy way. There was an article in the New York Times this weekend about Wilson and the fact that in a culture where going to rehab is trendy and we live in a Prozac nation, the real problem of deep-rooted depression is not spoken of and embarrassing. Sure, we all know people who take anxiety pills and meds for depression but they are not the kind of depressed that will end in pills like lithium and suicide attempts and hospitals. We especially can’t accept someone we deem “normal” like a funny celebrity to have such extreme problems.

At 29, I have dealt with a lot of unconventional things and depression is one of them. Not even just depression but the scary diagnosis of bipolar disorder, otherwise known as Manic Depression. A real scary word to share even with close friends, it adds a whole other level to depression. After my experience in downtown Manhattan on 9/11 I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress, which lead to my diagnosis of Bipolar. I then overdosed on my many pills in 2003 after not thinking I could handle life anymore. When I woke up a couple days later in a hospital I could not figure out which was worse but it motivated me to start to try to get better and get better help. That is simplifying it a LOT and that is the short version. I was able to get better with the help of a wonderful therapist and doctors and medication. But I was not OVER medicated and maintain a level of strong medications that keep me balanced and I have to work at taking care of myself and putting my needs first. That is another reason I made so many changes as of the last year and a half. I am also trying to take the stigma away by talking about it and maybe that is just for me but I have not seemed to scare anyone away yet.

I have done some work with a great organization called The Icarus Project www.theicarusproject.net . The project points out that Bipolar is a dangerous gift that affects many different people and also has a very strong online support network. The flip side to the depression is usually creativity and over achievement. I am not claiming either but I am different in a lot of great ways. I helped TIP get an information table at the last Ani DiFranco concert here in NYC and spoke openly about my life with Bipolar and was thrilled when people shared their experience with depression and Bipolar and other mental differences. It was very positive.

So, Owen Wilson is an overachiever and human, dealing with normal problems that many other people deal with. I wonder how he will deal with the media attention. Will he speak publicly about his life or keep it a private matter. I can’t image going through that with the media everywhere. The one thing I did like to see was his whole family come to his side.

FRENCH VACATION – Stranger in a Strange land

I am writing right now from Bell-ile-en-Mer (Most beautiful island in the sea) off the coast of France. It is breathtaking here but so strange to be an American. This trip is an amazing gift. My roommate brought me with him here to France to visit his family and I am really getting a feel for the culture but I am a voyeur in this world. This is an island like Nantucket but not with the class difference. The rich next to the French hippies – you would not find that in the US. I feel like there are all kinds of French visiting this island but NO Americans and those who do understand English only know from British accents and I sound very American and hard to understand. So I am having this great experience but can’t talk to anyone but Julian. He has a lot of family things to do and I have dinners listening to conversations and I can only say “hello”, “thank you” and “goodbye”. I feel very lost but am really thinking a lot about life and what is important. The culture here just feels so right and I love the laid back nature of the passionate people.

Here on the island, I have no cell and the only computer access I have is at a bar by the flat I am sting in which I am glad I found. There is no time here, the meals go on forever and everyone feels like family. I am driving a little red European car through the countryside and I am very proud. I like being away from the capitalist world in an environment friendly land that values family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country and look forward to life back in the States and NYC. But I do love France and Paris blew me away.

So I am forced to do a lot of reflecting right now and that is good I am learning to let go of a lot, like the locals here.

I will be back with more interesting perspectives but right now I feel like I am in a movie!!!!!!

The French Prez is meeting with W I believe today – I am trying to get a feel for what the people think here.

THE D Word! Being a divorced 20 something!

I quietly turned 29 yesterday and there is a lot of reflection over the past year. So here is the most intense, well one of the most intense, changes I made in the last year.

When you look as young as I do, telling people I am divorced is visibly shocking to whoever you are talking to. People don’t know how to react and it makes my own stigma and embarrassment even more intense. Learning how to not be ashamed of this has been a process. I am glad we figured things out in our 20s and not one day in our 40s. I am glad I was strong enough to walk away. I am even glad that I was married and learned so much about relationships. We were young and grew away from each other it happens and I still care for my ex and wish him the best and am very happy for some of the great things he has achieved while we were apart.

So I am not letting the people around me shock me back into being ashamed. We all go through heartbreak and break ups and it is still tough and I never saw my life this different. Married, I held corporate jobs and had the family health insurance and took the brunt of the responsibility (a lot of my own doing) and decision-making. I liked to think I wore the pants, so to speak, in our marriage and that I was progressive and went against conventional gender roles. That was a good experience but a lot changed. We both lost our great luxury apartment in the split and I live like I am in my 20s on the Lower East Side, a great place to live with a great roommate but I never saw myself doing the roommate thing and not being in control. So here is another lesson in life and it has been all about learning compromise. Even though I feel I have stepped back it is just about re-calculating.

The hardest thing has been the isolation. So everyone has been through breakups but I hardly know married 20 something’s in the city to begin with, let alone DIVORCED! Only now do I find out that there are all sorts of blogs and help sites for us newly single chicks.

A lot goes through my mind. Does my family think I am a flake? I am the first divorced. I even joked around with a friend about sending out notices on nice stationary that there has been a split, kind of like the anti-engagement notice.

Dear family and Friends,

I, Jessica Huse would like to inform you of the separation / divorce of ______ (insert partner) and I. There will be no need for condolences although I have registered at Crate & Barrel for the items that where split or I need for my new living space.
Thanks all, please make the adjustments to your address books.
(Why Hallmark has not tapped into this market is a surprise).

So I think we should celebrate this new start and now I say I am divorced with confidence because I would not change it and letting go of that hurt is what has taken away my stigma. I also want to share it because I don’t want other women to feel they are the only ones going through this shit and crazy emotions. There are times when all is fare in love and war.

Please feel free to comment, share and also discuss on the page with the same title to the right.