I read almost all of these posts, and even though I am a guy I wanted to respond.

I am a couple months away from turning 29, and have been divorced now for a little over a year. I was in the same boat as a lot of you. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I didn’t want to be a statistic, I didn’t want to accept that something this major in my life was failing, I didn’t want to deal with the negativity and judgement that I thought would be coming from my friends and family.

Divorce as you all know is a painful thing. My wife and I had just grown apart from what originally brought us together. We met in college and got married just a few months after we graduated. Looking back, for the both of us that was just too young. In essence, neither one of us had fully developed into the individuals that we would become. Sadly, the individuals we became grew apart from each other. Things like compromise, communication, passion, support got lost. Thankfully, there were no kids, and we were able to end on the best terms possible considering what a divorce is.

I commend all of you for recognizing the situations that you were in and for having the courage and strength to make a step in empowering yourselves and making yourselves happy. Hopefully, that will enable your former partners to make steps to make themselves happier too.

I don’t look at it so much from the viewpoint as a failure anymore. The pain has subsided. I look at it now as a learning experience, and a very important one. Since we all have gone through it at a young age we can be thankful that we have been through this for our relationships going forward. We now know what it takes to make a relationship work by seeing our marriages fail. We can see the importance of compatibility, communication, support, passion, compromise, and happiness.

However, it is hard to tell people our age that we are divorced. I know it is for me. I am slowly getting to the point where I don’t dread that conversation if it comes up with someone I am dating. If it is something that they can’t handle and it unnerves them…then they are likely not someone I’m going to be compatible with on other levels as well. Remember that when that comes up in future conversations with people you date. I am thankful that although I live in the South, I am in a pretty progressive mountain city and there are a lot of open-minded people.

This whole journey has taught me to be open-minded about the paths of others. Not everyone has a path in love or marriage that is smooth sailing. It doesn’t mean they are failures, or don’t know how to pick the right guy or girl. They are just on their own path to finding that someone that will make them happy.

One last thing…and this is hard. Try not to let this experience put up a shield around you to where you don’t want to let people in. It’s very easy to become super independent (and independence is very important), but remember life is a cool thing full of experiences that I find best to be shared. So take a chance, open your heart up after you have had time to heal and take stock of where you are. Yes, you might get hurt again, or you might find true happiness. In the end, it is your life, its yours to live, and you’re only going to get it once.

I hope that all of you find comfort, support, and happiness. Be strong!

Josh

“Furthermore, when your closest friends have also not lived through it, it’s hard to talk about it and not feel judged.”

I know I mention it a lot but friends don’t usually know or couple friends no longer want to be your friend after you become the “single” one.

I got involved in things, went back to school and made better friends. I was never “young and carefree” b/c I was supporting a marriage at a young age. I can tell you I hit my 30s young and carefree. This is my best year ever!!!!!!!!!! It only gets better and I can’t believe how well I have dealt with all the crap in my life.

I never felt that no one understood and still don’t but getting out of my own hell was exhilarating.

Good luck, sounds like you have a lot more figured out and realized that you are not giving yourself credit for

Best,
Jess

Thank you for all the inspiration and sharing a good experience. I too was happiest I had been also when all was decided and I felt free. I was comfortable with myself and love to read this from you.

Have an awesome time in Thailand. That is my dream vaca too and going alone sounds exhilarating!!!

Thanks you and have fun.
Jess

The most painful part was a year ago first pretending like nothing was wrong when you first meet people because of the shame that you have a ring on your finger at such a young age knowing eventually you have to admit you made such a HUGE mistake and wasted 3 years of your partners life in a relationship that ended up no where.

I was living in denial for an entire year not willing to see myself as 27 and divorced, but as “young and carefree” which I realize now are days of my very 20’s I will never EVER get back, so I should quit trying to be someone I am not. It’s only now I’ve come to fully accept it and trying to move on on my own and to hell with everyone else who doesn’t understand.

Was with my (nearly ex) husband since I was 16 and him 17. We married in 2006, and 6 months later he told me he had made a mistake and didnt love me. To say my world fell apart would be an understatement. I went through so many different emotions-devastation, embarassment (he had called me his soul mate in his groom’s speech in front of 100 of our closest friends and family just a few months prior to this bomb), depression, disappointment… We stayed together for another year, trying to make things work, but it wasnt salvageable.

We have now been seperated just over a year and you know what? I am SO happy, probably the happiest I have ever been. I have risen from the depths of despair to loving my new life and seeing each new day as a challenge. I have done things I would never have dreamt of before (I did a sky dive and next week am travelling to Thailand by myself for a touring holiday). Nothing fazes me any more. In the end, I was the one who filed for divorce. In fact, I think i have moved on more than my ex. I also have a new guy in my life. Its only early days and who knows where the future will take me, but I am so very very happy with him.

I’m not sure if any of the above posters will agree, but I now see that a lot of ‘high school’ romances that last have issues. People change so much yet probably stay together because it is familiar, and they have built their lives around each other. Our relationship never ‘matured’ (if that doesnt sound too crazy?!)

Anyway, hope this helps anyone going through a similar experience

Lea

You are all amazing and strong and the strength I find in all your stories is something that helps keep me in check and helps in the breakup I went through in the past year. Also, the breakup was easier. Not because we had a contract, but I knew I had no desire to prolong something that I knew was not making me happy. Also, he proposed and I threw up…. not a good sign (I say that as a joke… even though true, I have an odd sense of humor). I acted faster and am not looking back. I am not sad and only relieved. I met a better person and both of us in our 30s have been through a lot and know that we could never “settle” again. I feel so very lucky for that and so lucky he and I have both seen and felt the pain of a breakup that lasted too long.

There is a lot to address in these posts and a way to make “young and divorced” more of a resource. 30 and divorced is still odd and gives people a double take. I still think what is going on through their heads and just don’t care.

I started working a lot with photography, modeling (a fun experience), and am working on getting my skydiving license this summer. I jumped out of a plane 3 times already! I am having fun. Life is fun and it is hard to learn but a gift to no longer compromise for the sake of another, family, religion, guilt and all the other things that go on.

I am off to brunch on a beautiful day, arranging my new apartment and looking forward to updating life.

Thank you all again and I hope all are well.

You all rock!
Jess

My biggest problem right now is that I’m having a hard time thinking about how one goes about breaking up with someone after being together so many years. We’ve been together 8 years (married for 3)! Before that, my longest relationship was a year so it’s hard to imagine separating from someone you have spent the majority of your adult life with. Also, as others have brought up, how do you know you’re not making a HUGE mistake and will regret it later.

There are a lot of things wrong with our marraige and I won’t go into detail, mostly because I don’t have the energy to type it all out right now. And I really feel I’m at the end of my rope. I’m terrified and also excited by the thought of moving out. Not sure how to do this financially, but I’m told it’s possible. I’m also really hung up on the fact that this would really be hard for our dog. She’s getting older (9) and is really very attached to the both of us. It sounds so silly but she would be upset by it. I know that’s not a reason not to leave but…

We were in the middle of starting fertility treatments and so I feel like I’m at this moment in my life where I have to make the decision: cut and run before we have kids and this gets even more complicated, or stay and make a commitment to work on the relationship, and risk starting a family and hope that we don’t just fall apart later inevitably.

I guess you can’t know everything in advance. I guess you just have to make a decision based on the information you have and not second-guess yourself too much.

I feel like I’m not living the life I deserve and I want to make that happen for myself. I also think therapy might not be an option (we have discussed it) because it seems I have one foot out the door and I’m just waiting for someone’s permission to do this…Ack!

My shining consolation, besides reading all these posts, is that I have a couple of friends that divorced young and have completely re-made their lives into something amazing. One is remarried with their second child on the way. The other is enjoying being in a new relationship and is happy to let the wind take her where it may. I look to these people as examples of what could be for me.

Ive only been married a year and 2 months!!!! My husband and I havent quite got the “D”word out yet but its coming. I feel embarrassed and cant believe I will be 27 and divorced!!

Thanks for sharing your stories!! I do find peace in knowing Im not the only one.